1 Darkest Before Dawn

Have you ever heard the saying it's always darkest just before dawn?  It always amazes me the little quirks God put into this world to teach us life lessons. 

When Jess and I decided to become parents I thought it would be easy...stop birth control and things would just happen.  As the months flew by and eventually my cycles stopped I became very worried.  I made an appointment with my doctor and anxiously awaited my appointment date in April.  I went in with high hopes and left virtually destroyed.  She informed me that without a cycle for 50 days it was likely that I had Poly-cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) and that it would be difficult for me to become pregnant. 

As a nurse I wanted to know everything I could about this condition and exactly how to fix it.  I left the office that day went to fill the prescription she had given me and headed to the medical library to do research.  I needed some kind of control over the situation.  How could this be I asked myself?  I would be a good parent, does God not think I would be a good parent?  All these questions haunted me for days and it seemed I would never get over the negative. 

Over the next few weeks I clung to the words of a song called Before the Morning by Josh Wilson and tried to stay positive. 

Would you dare, would you dare to believe
That you still have a reason to sing?
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It can't compare to the joy that's coming

So hold on, you gotta wait for the light
Press on and just fight the good fight
'Cause the pain that you've been feeling
It's just the dark before the morning

The weeks turned into months.  I took my meds everyday, no matter how sick the Metformin made me, and followed a strict diet to decrease insulin levels in my body in hopes of restoring my cycle.  After more than 72 days without a period I called my doctor who delivered the news that I would probably not conceive on my own.  Again I was crushed...I had prayed so hard and yet still nothing.  I had not let go and let God yet.  I prayed selfishly for the things I wanted rather than for his will.  And this battle had made me an ugly person who was angry.  All my life when I wanted something I went after it and achieved it and here was something I couldn't just go after and get. 

And hold on
'Cause there's good for those who love God
But life is not a snapshot
It might take a little time, but you'll see the bigger picture

After a lot of talking and praying Jess and I decided to try a round of fertility treatments, in conjunction with what we had been doing, in an attempt to produce a viable egg.  I was so blessed to be going on a wonderful vacation this time last year so that I could take my mind off all that had happened in the recent months.  Our trip to Florida helped me relax a little and come to the realization that it would happen when it was suppose to.  I LET GO!! 

One year ago today I took my first round of Clomid and hoped for the best.  Twelve days later at my first ultrasound I had 20 immature follicles per ovary and the doctor told me she was sorry but it didn't look promising.  I tried not to let it get me down.  I continued to take and plot my temperatures daily and take my ovulation tests as well.  On July 12th last year I got a positive ovulation test and a slight spike in basal body temperature.  I was so elated.  I knew it hadn't happened yet but I had renewed hope that it could happen for us.  I called my doctor and she scheduled my pregnancy test for fourteen days later.  Those two weeks went painfully slow but I had more hope in those days than I had had in a long time. 

On July 31, 2010 I came home from work after my scheduled pregnancy test knowing I would have to wait until Monday to get the results.  I snuck into the bathroom at home as to not wake my hubby and took my first pregnancy test.  I knew it was early but I just couldn't wait the whole weekend.  I peed and prayed.  The faintest pink line I have ever seen showed up...so faint in fact I had to wake Jess up to confirm I wasn't just seeing things.  We were both so happy...I cried, he smiled, and then we both snuggled and slept.  On Monday morning the doctor called to confirm that I was pregnant!!


Our little "PacMan"



I learned the most important life lesson last year...trust God.  Let Go and Let God!!  He has a plan and it will all fall into place, sometimes just before you think all hope is lost.  Because you see, it is always darkest before dawn and he always follows through with exactly what you NEED!!   

Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory
Once you feel the weight of glory
All your pain will fade to memory,

To this day I cry every time I hear this song.  It was like it was written for me at that moment in my life.  Do you have songs like that?  A song that seems to tell the story of your life at that very moment.  That is divine intervention! 



Our little boy!

My son is my miracle.  I know there are people out there who have waited far longer than I for their prayers to be answered and some of you are still waiting.  All I can say is trust God and have hope because he has a plan and it is bigger than anything you can imagine.  

Thanks for reading our story.  It was an amazing journey, I wouldn't change for anything. 

P.S.  I promise the next post won't be so deep.  I have something fun and cute planned, if I can pull it together.